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[personal profile] goodgothgirl
It's been a rough 24 hours. I thought I had screwed up the deadlines for the freelance work I've taken on, so I stayed at work until after 11 last night and came in at 11:30 this morning. On the drive to work, I discovered that I had two appointments at my therapist's office today, which I thought were next week -- and I couldn't go, because I thought I needed to be here doing my freelance work. I've got too much to do and not enough time to do it, and I'm trying to survive on less medication than I need.

To top it off, I went to pick up my prescription today and found that it had been filled generically. Since there wasn't a generic when I was on the stuff two years ago, AND my doctor didn't mention that there was a generic, I declined to pay for it until I talked to him. Turns out that the generic will probably be OK, but there's no guarantee. And because of my need to be at work for all hours for the freelance stuff, I can't get the meds until tomorrow -- and I didn't take any today, anticipating that I'd be picking up the new stuff on the way to work.

God, I really hate being on decreased meds. I can't handle ANYTHING. Every little thing upsets my apple cart, and I have to spend lots of time picking everything back up in order to regain my equilibrium. And I don't have time for this. I hate being so reactive -- if you don't have a mood disorder, you might not be able to understand it, but it is impossible to control my moods, emotions or reactions without help from medication. Every event sends me up or down or sideways, and I'm so crazed that the only way I can deal with it is to sound off. So I spent a LOT of time trying to remember to hold myself back, doublechecking every e-mail I send to make sure I'm responding in proportion to the situation, and trying to remember that when I get upset that the situation I'm seeing/experiencing might not be real. It's a horrible way to live.

Since I can prattle on about how much everything sucks right now, I'm going to stop, because I suspect that it's really not that bad, no matter how I feel. I really, really hate losing the control that the medication fortified.

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goodgothgirl

March 2007

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