goodgothgirl: (Default)
[personal profile] goodgothgirl
I'm at home, writing e-mail to cute guys on AFF. Yeah. It's a good day. Did I mention that they are cute, INTELLECTUAL men on AFF? The one I'm really interested in is 30 and has an English degree with an emphasis on the aesthetes. He knows French. He's read Baudelaire (whose name I can't even spell). And his photo is REALLY cute.

So we all know what this means, right? ABJECT PANIC.

I am so totally scared to get naked with someone else. (After all, we're meeting on AFF, and that's the goal of the Web site, so I know it can happen eventually.) It's been a year since the brief fling with Jon (who really has become one of the people I trust and depend on) and two years since the Daniel breakup. In that time, I've gained about 20 pounds that I really couldn't afford to gain. I've developed celluite on my thighs -- I don't even want to wear shorts, it looks that bad. Skirts to the knee, people! Combine all of my body issues with the fact that I'm scared as hell of getting hurt -- because all things end, dontcha know, so hurt is inevitable at some point -- and that's where I am. I'm not brave or stupid enough anymore to jump into something without regard for the consequences. I know better now.

My question to you, my dear readers: How can I overcome my fear? I hate being old enough to know better, because it has totally squashed any desire I had to take risks. I don't want to take a risk with myself again, because honestly, breakups suck. I can't do it again. The Daniel thing was too hard.

On a totally unrelated note, everyone who has gone to Dragon*Con or plans to go to Dragon*Con MUST read Bimbos of the Death Sun. It's a murder mystery by Virginia author Sharyn McCrumb that's set at a sci fi convention. It was written in the late 1980s, so some of the technology is a little dated, but otherwise her description of life at a con is dead on!!!!! Really, you have to read it. And it's available on Amazon. Personally, I'm feeling the need to read her next one, Zombies of the Gene Pool. I bet it'll be great!
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March 2007

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