goodgothgirl: (Default)
I'm serious, for once. It really was!

Day started with a controlled shopping trip at IKEA. I actually got out of there for less than $70 and with only three things I wasn't planning on buying! That's restraint, baby.

Then finally, after some running up and down the stairs at IKEA, [livejournal.com profile] dvnmsm and I finally met up! We fell in like we had known each other FOREVER. A quick trip through candles and curtains at IKEA gave way to lunch at Uno's. Then MORE SHOPPING! I scored a tweed blazer at the Old Navy Outlet for $20, and [livejournal.com profile] dvnmsm got the BEST dress on total sale at Hot Topic! We had fun at HT, and I even grabbed some black lipstick that I then forgot to wear to the Peter Murphy show.

Shopping led to chilling out at Casa Mandi for a couple of hours with HowERD before we got ready for the concert. We drove into D.C. in half the time Mandi predicted, but once we got to the 9:30 Club, Mandi realized that she needed to get back home. I wish she could have stayed for the show, but we still had a great day.

And then ... PETER MURPHY.

I walked into the club at the EXACT moment he took the stage. And damn, did he take it! It was the best concert I've been to in years, and perhaps second only to when I saw Sting in 1991. I've loved Peter's music for almost a decade, but I passed up the chance I had to see him in 2000. I will never, EVER miss a show of his again if I can help it! He was onstage for 90 minutes and was riveting. His voice live was AMAZING -- like his albums, but BETTER. He played several of my favorites, and the rest of the set was from his latest album, which I will be picking up ASAP. Honestly, words are not adequate to describe was tonight was like. The only way I can put it is that his voice helped me find a part of myself that I didn't know was missing. Damn, but I wish I could follow the tour for a few stops! ([livejournal.com profile] artphag81, I hope you were there, because I know you would have loved it as much as I did!)

Of course, I bought a concert T-shirt, something else I haven't done in forever. I feel like such a fangirl. :)

I'm still so hyped on the whole day that I have no idea if I'll get to sleep tonight. Really, it was just awesome.
goodgothgirl: (Default)
I'm doing OK today. Any day I can say that is a good day.

The good stuff in my life:

* I bought my Dragon*Con membership. WOOHOO!!!!! And to anyone out there who hasn't done so yet, do it today. After today, the membership price goes up to $70. Today, it's $60.

* I'm going to Diana's '80s party after work tonight! I've got my pink polo shirt, my pearls and several pairs of pink and white socks to complete the outfit. Much alcohol will be imbibed and much dancing will be done, if it's anything like Diana's last party. Woohoo!

* I got a great e-mail from [livejournal.com profile] polargirrl, who I talked to briefly a couple of weeks ago and haven't had time to call back. She's good. Which makes me happy.

* Sunday will contain much happiness! Hanging out with [livejournal.com profile] dvnmsm and the Peter Murphy concert! And I've decided that I need to spend money at IKEA, because there's a desk and a CD rack I need there. The desk is necessary now because ...

* I have someone coming to look at the apartment on Monday. Yay! So far she sounds sane, but I'm going to be very careful about who I choose for a roommate. There also might be some summer interns that don't have places to live yet, and if that's the case, I'd rather take in one of them instead of someone I don't know at all. I've lived with newspaper interns before, and they made the BEST roommates. So I think the roommate thing is gonna happen.

* I just ate a piece of Ukrop's fried chicken. I'm topping off lunch with Ukrop's traditional potato salad, so I can feel like I'm on a picnic in my closet. Nirvana!

* All of my bills for this pay period are PAID! It usually takes me three or four days to get my bills done after I get paid, but not today. It's all done! The advantage to this is that I know how much money I have to spend at IKEA and Peter Murphy. I feel some retail evilness coming on!

* And work is quiet for the first time since I got back from Philly. YAY!

Even with all that good stuff, there's some not-so-great stuff:

* I found out this week that the hiring process at the college where I applied for the publication director position has been slowed WAY down. The HR director told me that they've hired an "interim" person to do the job but are still looking to hire someone "full time" (whether that means permanently or implies that the interim can only work part time, I have no idea). Anyway, because this is the busy season for the college -- graduation is Memorial Day weekend -- it sounds like they won't be interviewing anytime soon. And the HR director also said, "We've done some interviews." Obviously, the interviews were not done with me. So I suspect that I don't really have a shot at this job. After all, if they have an interim employee, why would they do much more interviewing for the job? They can just hire the interim. Anyway, we'll see. I'm not hopeful, but I'm not totally discouraged yet either.

* I had a dream last night about Daniel's wedding -- namely that he was marrying his sister (who in the dream was his half-sister, so that made it OK; in real life, they are not half-siblings) and I was AT the wedding! It was a strange wedding, at something that was like a Ren Faire or outside camp but with buildings that were related to some kind of religious camp. Anyway, I wasn't supposed to be there but my friends made me go with them -- including a friend who I haven't seen in years and never met Daniel. The most disturbing part of the dream was that Daniel had someone hand out "gifts" to people, and I got one (a surprise, since he wasn't supposed to know I was there) that was made of shredded cloth and had some kind of biblical saying attached to it that said I was a horrible person or something. It was all very, very strange, and I REALLY hope that I never dream about him or his wedding again. I suspect it was brought on by my visit to my therapist yesterday, because we talked about Daniel's impending nuptuals and how they don't matter to me emotionally. Anyway. ICK!

On that note, I'm back to the dead people.

Keepin' on

May. 12th, 2005 02:21 pm
goodgothgirl: (Default)
Well, I'm bummed. Diana came into my office today and annouced that the friend that she was originally going to live with has decided to move into Diana's apartment. Which means that Diana is not going to be my roommate and I moved all that furniture for nothing last week. Well no, that's not true -- I love the new furniture placement.

I'm bummed because I wanted to live with a friend and I could use the income. I had already decided that if Diana didn't move in then I'd still look for a roommate -- but the good news is that I have time to find the RIGHT roommate, because I can afford the apartment myself. And since I've filled up the whole place except for the second bedroom, I probably need to find a studious undergrad who doesn't need more than one room for her stuff. I don't know if that's possible, but we'll see.

Otherwise, not much to report today. It's quiet. That's good.
goodgothgirl: (Default)
And of course, I don't want to go to work.

I had a great weekend. I didn't leave the house, except to go to the laundry building. I spent Sunday reading and relaxing and watching TV, and I spent Monday doing a major house cleaning. I moved a bunch of furniture to start making room for Diana's stuff -- which she's going to store here over the summer, before she officially moves in -- and I even put more stuff up on the walls. I'm really glad I did, too, because this place is starting to feel more and more like home.

I would love another day off to luxuriate in the great weather and my clean house and my aching muscles from all the work I did yesterday. But it's off to another day in the closet, writing about dead people.

I'm feeling a bit discouraged about the job I applied for last week, too. It's almost a week to the day that I turned in my resume, and I haven't heard from them. The ad was not in Sunday's paper, although it's still on the college's Web site, so I'm trying to have faith that the hiring process is still ongoing. But who knows? My contact there said that time was of the essence in filling the position, which is what leads me to believe that if I haven't heard from them by now that I won't. But it's always possible that time moves more slowly in higher education than in the world of daily newspapering.

If I don't even get to interview for this job, I'll be crushed. And of course, it'll be back to the drawing board for me. I have no idea where I'll apply next. There were two other PR jobs advertised in the newspaper last week, but one was working for the (slimy) PR guy in a local government, and the other was handling "brand management" at the VA Methodist Home for Boys. "Brand management" indicates that more marketing skills than what I possess would be necessary for the position. And I don't think I'd enjoy "brand management," either. *sigh*

I just have to hang in there and keep my fingers crossed.
goodgothgirl: (Default)
I feel like I'm flying! It might be lack of sleep, but mostly it's because I've had a very affirming day today. Check it out:

* I met with Tom, my favorite editor of all time who is now a journalism professor at the University of Richmond. It was a 90-minute "Lea is awesome!" fest! Tom always helped me feel like I could do ANYTHING, and I trust his opinion because he's a damn good journalist. He says I should have the RMC job in the bag. I hope so!

* I talked to my AmyMom for 45 minutes and had a much-needed laughfest. Because that's my response to Daniel getting married: uncontrollable laughter! And it had been a while since I had talked to AmyMom, so it was great all the way around.

* I talked to [livejournal.com profile] dvnmsm for the first time! I totally regret not being able to play hooky with her today, but we ARE going to the Peter Murphy concert! (I even booked my ticket!) And she said all the stuff I needed to hear about Daniel. Another great conversation.

* I *finally* found the perfect place for me and my Mom on the Outer Banks! It's called the Surf Side Hotel, and it's in Nags Head. It doesn't have the atmosphere I was looking for, but it *does* have a wide-open balcony view of the ocean, and that's exactly what Mom wants. AND it's only $121 per night! To top off the wonderfulness, I got us the LAST oceanside room available! GO ME!

* The very best thing of all: I called my Dad (to ask him to PayPal me some cash because I used all but my last 30 cents to book the room) and found out that my Mom is -- get this -- BACK ON HER MEDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dad said she's been fine for the last few weeks. Nothing's bothering her the way it had been. I am SO thrilled that she decided to do it. I don't think that it was anything I said that got her to do it, or if it was, I only reinforced something that she had already been thinking. This is going to make our weekend together a lot easier, AND I can stop worrying about my parents' marriage. I had already decided to do that anyway, but this makes me feel like I'm doing it from a position of strength and self-determination, not out of frustration.

Today has been mind-blowingly good. I have lots of obits to do, but I feel like I have the energy to tackle them all!

For [livejournal.com profile] dvnmsm

May. 5th, 2005 05:16 pm
goodgothgirl: (Default)
Devine Ms. M -- Do you have any interest in seeing Peter Murphy in concert? Because he's playing at the 9:30 Club on May 15, and seeing as how we had made lunch plans that day, I was wondering if you might want to join me for the show. Tickets are $25. I can't believe he's performing on a SUNDAY! I thought I was going to have to miss the show because of work!
goodgothgirl: (Default)
My Mom is coming to visit in a few weeks, and she wants to go to a nice hotel with "some pampering and a hair dryer," according to her last e-mail. She's been to VA Beach before, but I really want to take her to OBX because I think she'd really love it.

The problem is, of course, that OBX is expensive if you want to stay someplace that fits her description. We definitely don't want to stay in the Kill Devil Hills/Nags Head area (too commercial, too much highway, not enough greenery). And [livejournal.com profile] die7fox, I know you love Manteo, but I didn't see anyplace there that was on the water -- and Mom wants to be on the water.

Oh, and did I mention that we're hoping to find a place for around $150/night?

This is where you come in. I've done several hours of research online, but I want to make sure I've covered all my bases. Can you recommend someplace that fits our criteria? We're going to be there on a Sunday and Monday, which you'd think would make it cheaper, but not that I've found. Anyway, I figure all of our heads are better than one on this, and I can use all the help I can get!

Also, for you computer-knowledgable people out there, I want to go to a Web site, but it says that my browser is not Java-enabled. I really want to see this inn, too, so can you tell me how to get Java-enabled? I'm running Windows XP. The Web site is here: http://www.lanierbb.com/search/link.php?pt=bb&id=8509&site=http://www.corolla-inn.com&name=Inn+at+Corolla+Lighthouse

In other news, I'm awake at this hour because I'm supposed to be headed to the school where I volunteered, to attend a "thank-you" breakfast. However, I didn't finish my cover letter last night, and I REALLY want to get my resume up to Ashland before work today. Going to the breakfast would have made that impossible. But I feel guilty, because I RSVPed and stuff. Ah well. Just another group of people to realize that I'm totally flaky.
goodgothgirl: (Default)
And why am I still on the computer?

I have a feeling that I'm going to regret this in a few hours ... I have a resume and cover letter to finish, bills to pay, errands to run ... so no sleeping the day away.

I wish I didn't have to be responsible tomorrow. (And yes, Monday is still tomorrow until I go to sleep and wake up.)
goodgothgirl: (Default)
Leave me an anonymous comment pouring your heart out. Say anything. Tell me your stories, your secrets, those things no one ever asks but you wish to tell. Tell me about your love, your hate, your indifference, your joy. Tell me about what's inside of you when you're reading through these entries on your friends list, and tell me why you continue to come back here. Tell me anything. Tell me what you really think of me or yourself. Anything.

Post anonymously [by selecting the anonymous box]. Speak honestly, because there isn't any censure here. Post as many times as you like. One faceless wonder to another. You don't have to be on my friends list. You can just be stopping through. It doesn't matter.
goodgothgirl: (Default)
I took a chance and went to see The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy tonight. I rarely bother with movies in the theater, and I especially am leery of movies based on books that I really liked. However ...

It ROCKED!!!!!!!! You must stop everything and go see it NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

I walked into the theater in a pisser of a mood from work -- I actually worked an entire eight-hour day on a Saturday, which is just about unheard-of -- and I walked out happier than I've felt in a long time. Two hours of giggling at absurdities coupled with taking my mind out of this world has left me a very happy girl.

And to [livejournal.com profile] deeviantlove and [livejournal.com profile] big_lee: OK, all right, you were right about the new Batman trailer. Except I think I liked it for a different reason. Two words: Christian. Bale. Mmmmmmmm ... Christian Bale. (By the way, "Mmmmmmmm" does not count as a word. It's a sound. One that Christian Bale makes very necessary to have in your vocabulary. Except that it's not a word.)

Hmmmm

Apr. 30th, 2005 03:03 am
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I just finished watching the Serenity trailer. Twice.

Did anyone else notice that Ron Glass -- a.k.a. Shepherd Book, a.k.a. Preacher Man -- was missing?

Not to mention that Mal says at the beginning that six people chose to get on the ship. We've got Mal, Kaylee, Simon, River, Inara, Zoe, Wash, and Jane. Simon, River and Inara are not part of the crew. Can anyone tell which six he was referring to?

In any event, I have mixed feelings about the trailer. It was a little too slick and special-effects-y for me, but I know that that stuff will get non-Firefly fans in the theater. It's just that my favorite part of watching this story is the interaction among the characters. There was a *little* bit of that in the trailer, but not much. I'm truly hoping that this is one of those trailers that promises a different movie than what you actually get in the end.

And I'm bummed that Ron Glass doesn't seem to be anywhere. I'm DYING to know more about his character!

Oh, and a note to [livejournal.com profile] physusdragon (in the probably vain hope that she's actually READING LJ these days!): I have a full room for Dragon*Con. CALL ME so that we can discuss reservations, etc.!!!!!!
goodgothgirl: (Default)
I am focusing on work and finding a new job this week (more on that when I feel up to sharing), so in the meantime, I bring you this meme. You should definitely take it -- the questions are awesome!

Although I admit to being appalled at being ANY percentage Republican. :P

I am:
3%
Republican.
"You're a complete liberal, utterly without a trace of Republicanism. Your strength is as the strength of ten because your heart is pure. (You hope.)"

Are You A Republican?

goodgothgirl: (Default)
I spent four hours on the phone last night: one with my grandmother and three with my mother. My head is still spinning. And those four hours of discussing family angst topped off a weekend where our family dysfunction was the main topic of conversation. All I want to do today is forget that all of it happened. But for you, my audience, I will hit the highlights to tell you where I am right now. That is, if you're interested in a lot of family shit that I need to clear out of my brain.

Family psychobabble -- emphasis on the PSYCHO -- is here. )

I really, really want to believe that my Mom has come a long way in her thinking and that she's more self-aware than I've given her credit for being. I want to believe that Mom is ready to find a therapist and do the hard work of growing up and becoming responsible for herself, her actions and her emotions. But part of me suspects that Mom has been here before and never followed through with anything, and this is why my Dad has totally given up believing that Mom will ever be any different than she is right now.

And Dad's another huge thing. At the beginning of our conversation, Mom said that she thought she had lost Dad for good. In the middle of the convo, I told her that I wasn't asking about it because I didn't want to get in the middle, and she agreed with me. At the end of the convo, she told me that before Dad went to bed that night, he had called a female friend of his from work to say goodnight, along with, "I miss you and wish I was there with you. I'll see you Thursday."

Now, Dad is not having an affair, at least not a physical one. That's not his style. But I know that he is utterly fed up with my Mom and is very emotionally close with a few women at work. Granted, I think he's still playing the Savior role -- his favorite -- because these women usually don't have a man in their lives they can count on, so Dad jumps in. But the fact that he needed to call another woman to say goodnight has Mom totally upset -- and I don't blame her. Dad has put his emotions in another basket, and Mom said that he doesn't understand why that makes her feel betrayed.

Here's the thing: My mother married a man who is emotionally withdrawn like her mother. My Mom has spent years throwing hissy fits with both of them to get their attention and try to get her needs met. The fact that it has never worked has recently dawned on Mom, and she knows she needs to learn other tactics to get what she wants/needs. As their child, I am very, very worried and scared that if Mom gets emotionally healthy that it will lead to a divorce, because SHE won't be able to put up with Dad anymore.

I've read and experienced how when you decide to make changes in your life, the people you're closest to send out very strong "CHANGE BACK" signals. Mom said that Dad has done that over the years, and I believe her. Mom's dependence on Dad has fulfilled some part of him that he probably hasn't acknowledged. A healthy Mom would be counter to all he has known, and in part, he has worked very hard to create the situation that exists now. He's an enabler to a great degree.

I don't want Mom to stay the way she is, because it's toxic for Dad and horrible for her, too. But I also don't want my parents to divorce. Some big seismic shift is coming in their relationship, and it is scaring the hell out of me. After all, they're my parents and I want them together. The adult in me only wants them together if that's what they want. The child in me wants her family intact.

Mom is coming to visit me next month. We're going to take a long weekend and go down to the Outer Banks and hang out. I'm really looking forward to it. But part of me wonders if someday, it's going to be me and Mom living in Richmond and Dad and the boys in New York -- not because they're divorced necessarily, but because that's just how they'll leave each other.

I am very, very afraid of what might come next.
goodgothgirl: (Default)
I got back from Philly around 8:30 tonight. I'm still processing the whole weekend -- it was good -- so more to come on that later. For now, though, here's a great meme:

Comment here and I'll tell you something I adore about you. Then post this in your LJ, and spread the love. Do it even if we only know each other through LJ — it can be even more fun that way!
goodgothgirl: (Default)
My aunt just called. I am Philly bound!

WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Now I must pack.
goodgothgirl: (Default)
Well, I'm not driving to Philly today.

Back at Christmastime, my aunt and her husband invited me to Philadelphia to join them for Passover. Rob is Jewish, and he always does a big Seder. I was excited about it and requested the time off so I could go. I called my aunt on Easter and let her know I was coming for sure. She was surprised but happy.

So for the last few days, I've been trying to contact my aunt to find out what time I should get there today, what the dinner dress code was, etc. And I haven't heard back from her.

Some of this is my fault: I meant to call last weekend but didn't get to it. I e-mailed her on Wednesday and left a phone message at 7:45 last night. I called again this morning and left another message.

I'm not sure what I think at this point. I could just drive up there and arrive on their doorstep, but I don't feel comfortable with that. Leslie is more formal than the rest of the family, and I've been out of touch with her for so long -- not to mention that it's been five years since I've been at her house -- that just showing up sounds like a bad idea.

So I'm waiting. If I hear from them tonight, I can drive there tomorrow, have dinner, and drive back on Sunday. It's a lot of driving in a short time, but I'd do it.

And if I don't hear from them at all, I have no problem just kicking back and enjoying my time off, which I desperately need. I've got lots of things I can do. In fact, I'm tempted to book a 25 percent off massage for today since I'm here, but I don't want to use money I might need if I go up there.

I'm sad about all of this, but not upset. I had a lot of expectations for this weekend that I haven't communicated to anyone, least of all the people I'm supposed to visit. So if this isn't meeting my expectations, it's because I didn't ask for what I wanted. I understand that. But I'm still a little bummed.

I'll keep you posted as events warrant.

TGIF!

Apr. 15th, 2005 01:51 pm
goodgothgirl: (Default)
I'm in a GREAT mood!

I had an appointment with the career counselor today, and I have a Plan. She gave me some great suggestions to rework my resume into less of a "newspaper" resume and more of a "communicator" resume. I've got a great new format for my cover letter. And she gave me some good networking tips. The job search is about to truly begin!

After my appointment, I swung by Lane Bryant to look for colorful spring tops. And what did my wondering eyes spy but a 40 PERCENT OFF SALE! I picked up a great coral sweater and a pink button-down for $50. Now that's shopping!!!

Of course, I had to wear the coral sweater to work. So now I'm sitting here, looking and feeling fabulous. I still have to sit in the closet/office, but at least I look good while doing it.

Here is the Sweater of Fabulousity (it's brighter and a bit more pink in person): Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Enjoy the day, everyone!
goodgothgirl: (Default)
I may get a roommate this fall -- someone I know and like!

My friend Diana is a VCU kinetic imaging student who works in the newsroom as a copy messenger (fixes the copier, does the mail, runs printouts around to editors, etc.). She's very cool -- some of you have met her -- and her living arrangements for next year have fallen through. So I asked her if she wanted to move into my place!

Granted, I said that I didn't want another roommate, but I've known Diana for almost two years. We're both moody and bitchy, but we've also both lived with roommates so we know how to play nice. :) I may have to put some stuff in storage to make room for her, but my apartment complex offers on-site storage. So it's OK. Plus she has a bigger TV than I do!

Diana is going to come look at the apartment this weekend, but I think it'll meet her approval. We talked about rent and utilities, and because she's a starving undergrad (but she went to school late, so she's 24), I'm not charging her 50 percent exactly. With rent and utilities, I'm going to charge her about $400 a month. She can afford it without hiking up her student loans, and it gives me breathing room for finding a new job!!!!!

I really hope this works out, because I'm feeling so much better about the job hunt. I've missed having company around the house (although I haven't missed most of the actual people I lived with). I can definitely use the money. And the cats will have more company and I'll have a live-in cat sitter! Diana loves cats, so she said she considers George and Gracie a bonus.

If this works out, then I can stop looking for a job in another state and really focus on Richmond. WOOHOO!!!
goodgothgirl: (Default)
I pretty much got nothin' today.

It's beautiful out and I'm stuck in my closet/office. I came to work 90 minutes early to go to our weekly meeting about the summer high school journalism workshop, which means I'm working a 9.5 hour day. I hate that.

It's Thursday but in my mind it's only, like, Tuesday. Or maybe Wednesday.

I did a mess of online job-hunting yesterday. I found a few jobs I'd consider applying for, but I'm not really excited about any of them. Perhaps I'm just too burnt out to be objective.

I e-mailed the AVMA's human resources director to make sure that they had received my application. I did it on Tuesday. There's still no answer. That does not make me feel good about the organization being on the ball.

I'm going to go look for busy work now.
goodgothgirl: (Default)
I asked for it.

I called home yesterday to say hello and update the folks on my job search. I talked to Dad on Easter, but Mom had just left to work a shift at her old hospital. (She claims that she does it to keep up her clinical nursing skills, but I can't help but notice that she schedules shifts on days when the family has plans. Typical passive-aggressive behavior.)

So it's been a lot of years since my Mom and I have had a fight. I don't know if it's because I rarely ask for her opinion, or because she keeps her mouth shut, or because she doesn't have a problem with my life.

Yesterday, we broke the streak.

I was telling my Mom all about how bad last week was at work and how I was totally at the end of my rope with everything at the T-D, but most especially with the "front-desk receptionist" thing. Her response: "You do this every time you get ready to leave someplace. You don't have to tear it down before you go."

Now, for some background: All my mother has ever done is complain about her job, no matter where she has worked. And she changes jobs every 18 months to two years, often quitting one without having another. Yet every time *I* get sick and tired of a job and want to share my frustration with her, she trots out this chestnut. Even though I hadn't heard it in at least a year, I decided that I'd finally had enough. My response:

"Yes, Mom, you say this every time I start looking for a new job, and I'm tired of it. You know why? Because you do the exact same thing. In fact, you've left a hell of a lot more jobs than I have. And you do it without even having another job to go to! You have that luxury, because you have a HUSBAND to support you! Guess what? If I don't work, I don't eat. If I don't work, I don't have a place to live or food for the cats. You have NO IDEA what it's like to be solely responsible, because you've always had someone to support you! In fact, I'm frustrated by this, because I'm TRAPPED in my job and I don't even have a morgage, husband and kids!"

Mom's response: She hung up on me. Which is not surprising, because that's the coping tactic that she's been using since I was 18 and went to college. (Have I ever mentioned how my family never, EVER calls me, either? They don't. But that's another story.)

I'm still pissed off as hell, mostly at Mom but partly at myself. I'm mad at myself because I know my Mom can't cope with reality, and I yelled a lot of reality at her. My mother is NOT a grown up, and I don't think she ever will be. I, however, have had no choice but to be a grownup since I was 9 and my brothers were born. My parents stopped thinking of me as a child then and started treating me like an adult. In high school, my parents came to ME when they had marital problems -- separately, of course. I spent a lot of years telling them to talk to each other. And then there's my Mom who would come to me at 2 a.m. when I was a teenager and cry about what a horrible mother she was. I, apparently, was supposed to be there to take care of her instead of the other way around. When I was 12, she told me that she was jealous of me because she wanted to be like me. These are NOT things that you say to your child. EVER.

Obviously, I'll always be angry with my mother on some level for not being an adult. I might accept that she is the way she is, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't piss me off. My father has become a grownup over the last decade or so, witnessed by the letter he sent me in December where he apologized for my lack of a childhood. But my mother has never understood that even if she didn't love herself enough to get help, perhaps she should think of the people around her and help herself for their sake if she loves them as much as she claims. My Mother the Martyr.

Here's what I wish I could say to her:
"Mom, grow up. You have been clinically depressed my whole life, but since you decided to stop taking your medicine, you have actively chosen to be unhappy. You refuse to do talk therapy. Why are you afraid to deal with your problems and perhaps learn to forgive your mother as the root of all evil before she dies? You need to learn to be an ADULT. Take responsibility for your actions, your feelings, your behavior, your SELF. Things are only done to you if you LET them. And whining about them after the fact instead of speaking up at the time and perhaps learning to become part of the solution just ensures that you will stay in the rut you have carved for yourself for the last 55 years. As your daughter who loves you, I wish you would choose to be happy. Find the strength to become a person in your own right. Find the things you enjoy and DO THEM -- don't just watch TV, play solitare and smoke incessantly. How much longer will you let your husband do absolutely everything for you? Grow up and live in the real world, Mom."

Yeah, that conversation is never going to happen.

I thought I really had let it go that my Mom isn't ever going to take responsibilty for herself, but apparently I haven't. And I suspect that I never will.
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